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.not.afraid.anymore. [
1.5.06 - 8.46pm
[ mood | flirty ]

Well, I have come to the conclusion that i'm not afraid of anything anymore (exept sometimes the dark ;P )
I'm not afraid of what people might say about things I do... I'm not afraid of what will come in the future, because there is really no reason to be afraid... Things that are going to happen are just going to happen and that is life.

I used to be afraid of what my "friends", would say about certian things, or how they would re-act if I did things I knew they might not agree with. But why? Whats the point of making yourself so upset that your afraid to live your life the way its suppose to be lived, the way you want to live it. Sure it might be a little lonely after you realize that things/people you cared about cared about you in the wrong ways, and you have to cut them loose. That part kind of sucks... But the not really caring what people think about you or how you live your life rocks. Because you feel a weird contentment that you cant have when your always worried about what "they" might say... But its really neat..

I have also realized not everyboy out there is an asshole... I mean dont get wrong they all have their moments... But then so dont we? We're bitches and they are assholes... so doesnt that make just the perfect pair. And as much as I hate to admit this... (because im such a badass :p jk) I am the biggest romantic in the world... and cute romantic things just get me so bad. And lately little things that this guy I like does... *sighs* its cute... Idk.. im getting all girly and mushy.. so ill just stop while I am ahead.

talk nerdy to me

meh. [
1.3.06 - 9.14pm
[ mood | content ]

Okay well, today was one of those days that doesnt seem like it will ever end, and it doesnt ever seem that your eyes will stop being red, puffy, and not irratated from the constant crying. I hate it when you feel like your so un-happy with how things are going that you are going to fall off of a cliff. It sucks to the extremes...
i am usually really good at dealing with people. But lately (thanks to a friend of mine) i have learned that i dont have to deal with people. I don't have to have those red puffy eyes. Today was my last straw. That straw that breaks and you just dont give a flying fuck anymore. (about certain things/(people))Because i am sick and tired of being the one who fix's everything and has no energy left to deal with my own shit. And i am tired of being the one who listens to everyone and still feels so alone because no one will listen to what I am saying when i say it. They hear me talking... But it doesn't feel like they are listening to me. People who are suppose to be my friends...
I am tired of hearing from everyone about how I don't live my life the way it is suppose to be lived. i am tired of people telling me that I should'nt do this and that because its bad for me, im tired of hearing "i'm just being honest"..... and I am sick and fucking tired of being treated like I cant handle my own...
I finally let go, and its a weird feeling but I think this is happiness... the not really caring what other people tell what to do.. because i dont care... and the being able to let everything go that I dont need. To feel like a bigger person because i dont let things get to me that dont matter.
Because like a friend once told me "You need to be able to realize there are just shitty people. and you dont need them in your life, and your are bigger than to let them bring you down"
Because he is so right, and that night when I finally snapped and tweaked out... I let it all go. All of the shittiness...all of the comments on how I am, on how I should or shouldnt live my life... All of it. Gone.
Now I feel like a "bigger" person because I know who i am. and I know how and what to do with my life.
And that is to live it to the fullest by my means... and no one elses.

Read 2 // talk nerdy to me

hmmmmm.good.day.i.guess. [
12.20.05 - 2.07pm
[ mood | indifferent ]

I've had so much on my mind lately...
Why is it that everyone that I attract has something wrong with them... well not everyone.. but alot of them. They either do drugs, are alcholics...whack jobs... or they are just plain losers...

Why cant i find someone who will care about me and not be a fucking loser.. i dont get it... And the ones who are good... either dont see me like that... or they dont know I like them..(<-- which is my fault)

Im just sick and fucking tired of being lied to yelled at... Fuck this game and fuck those who play it...

On a lighter note.. I have soem new friends (well not new but we hang out now..) and they rock.. Also I am painting my room later...hmm oh and nicole-ole-ole-ole-ole is home for winter break and I am exited that I get to see her..

Read 1 // talk nerdy to me

last.night. [
12.19.05 - 11.35pm
[ mood | indifferent ]

Last night I realized that it doesnt matter if you trust people... they could still fuck you over. And it wont matter to them...

I also realized that life is way to short to sit around and wait for someone who doesnt want to be waited for... or who shouldnt be waited for.

I deserve not to wait on him... but to be waited for.. actually thats realyl stuck up I wouldnt want someone to go through what i have been. So Im not waiting anymore. Im not dealing with issues that i shouldnt have to deal with at all! So I am moving on... I've found someone (ps. I dont know if he knows it tho.. or if he feels the same... yet) So i really dont need your shit. Go drink your life away into nothing... go get so drunk that you offend the girl in your life that makes you a better person... the one thta cared about you soooo much that it hurt... But you blew it... maybe we can be friends when you fucking clean up your life..

talk nerdy to me

bored.. [
12.14.05 - 8.28pm
[ mood | bitchy ]

Today was an extremly weird day... I woke up late (as usual)then when i came down stairs and my mom started talking to me, in that little kid whiny voice that she does when she wants something... I just became so entirly pissed off that I thought I was going to flip out on her... Then i tried to keep to myself for the day until I went to work, because I know I would just choke anyone who irratated me today.

Then when I got to work, for some weird reason, I was in a total oppisite mood. I have been back and forth like that all weekend/week.

I think its because im in such an inbetween phase in my life and I hate it. I hate being on the line... I like the feeling of security.. I mean I like the suprises and new turns as much as anyone else.. its just that I like to be in control of things in my life and lately it just doesnt feel like I am.
AND ITS PISSING ME OFF! but yeah other than that.. I think everything is kosher..

talk nerdy to me

fuck... [
12.13.05 - 10.05pm
[ mood | crushed ]

I dont know why people have to be so ignorant, and nieve to see what is right in front of them. I dont get why they have to just sit and let the best thing in their life slip from thier hands..

But well if they cant see it, then i dont need it in my life... I can move on to better things to better my life.

So to all of you who have fucked someone over because of ignorance or from just being an asshole... I feel bad for you becuase your life wont ever be half of what it would be if you actually cared.

talk nerdy to me

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